Posted by John Aiken, 3 July 2015:
I’m so excited to announce that I’m now on board with FindSomeone as their new dating and relationships expert. To be associated with New Zealand’s largest online dating site is a great fit for me. Having spent 20 years living in NZ and currently still working with Kiwi singles over Skype, I’m really keen to provide all of FindSomeone’s members with practical tips and strategies to increase your chances in the dating game!
And with this in mind, I thought I would kick things off with a blog that you can all relate to; “How to attract your ideal partner online?”
Now, before you decide to take the plunge and go online to find someone special, it’s important that you’re in the right mindset. Remember:
“You date at the level of your self-esteem”
Put simply, if you’re not happy with yourself, then you’re going to attract people who treat you poorly. It’s the principal of ‘like attracts like’. So it’s absolutely vital that you’re feeling good about yourself before mixing it up in the dating game.
So with that being said – follow these 5 steps and you’ll give yourself every chance to find your ideal partner when you go online:
#1) Commit to a positive mindset
This is the first and most important step in attracting your perfect match. If you don’t have an upbeat approach to dating then you’re out of the game before you begin. This means from now on, you only talk positively about yourself in public, and you have an optimistic answer about the question “why are you single?” (e.g. I’m waiting to be inspired). Whether you’re catching up with friends at a café on Cuba St or on Ponsonby Rd – always be upbeat! Also, make a list of why you’re so good at relationships and get familiar with your strengths, and start accepting every compliment with a “thank you”. Put simply, if you can’t absorb a compliment – then you’re certainly never going to be able to welcome someone positive into your life!
#2) Remove dating obstacles
Whether you’re aware of these dating obstacles or not, you must be ready to tear down any barriers that might be in the way of keeping you single. Consider the following obstacles and take action – toxic friends, drinking too much, one night stands, long work hours, complicated living arrangements, problem ex’s, excessive travel commitments, overbearing family members, financial issues etc. Regardless of whether you’re living in Christchurch, Dunedin, Hamilton or the Bay of Islands – you need to be ready and available when the right person comes along, so make changes now and clear a path.
#3) Avoid the wrong types
You must always learn from your past relationship mistakes. That means knowing what the wrong types look like and then walking the other way! Take a moment and think about your previous partners and answer “Why were they wrong for me? List as many factors as you can – obsessed with Super 14 rugby, unemployed, heavy drinker, workaholic, couldn’t commit, problem ex, critical and dismissive, controlling, pot smoker, difficult mother, bad in bed etc. Then narrow it down to your top 5 warning signs of the wrong types – and avoid these people at all costs!
#4) Define your ideal partner
So many singles I meet don’t have any idea of what they’re looking for or need in an ideal partner. Instead they just bounce from one person to the next, hoping for the best. From now on, you need to get clear about where you’re headed. Think about your past relationships and ask yourself “What do I want different from my next partner?” Then make a list of all the things you need (e.g. do they need a sense of humour like Paul Henry?) Consider their looks, parenting style, fitness, drinking approach, social skills, career, ambition, communication style, sex drive, relationship with family etc. Now zero in on your top 5 traits of your ideal partner and go after this person.
#5) Be selective and patient
Once you’ve done all this ground work you’re ready to jump in with a clear and positive approach. But don’t put pressure on yourself to get this perfect. Instead, have a patient approach to dating online. There are huge numbers of single people out there looking to find someone special, take your time and be selective. If you have a setback remind yourself that it’s a process of elimination not rejection. Don’t take it personally. If the shoe doesn’t fit – put it back and try another one.
John Aiken, FindSomeone’s dating and relationship expert, as seen on the hit TV 3 show Married at First Sight. He is a best-selling author, appears regularly on TV, radio and in magazines, runs a private practice in Sydney, is a sought after speaker, and offers intensive couples’ retreats. (www.johnaiken.com.au)