No sexual chemistry: is it a dealbreaker?

No sexual chemistry: is it a dealbreaker?

Chemistry in a relationshipPosted by John Aiken, 13 August 2015: The wonderful thing about dealbreakers is that they’re personal and different for each individual. You may be a person who doesn’t want to have kids, is extremely religious, or believes in a certain style of parenting? Perhaps you can’t tolerate smoking, binge drinking, drugs or the idea of being married? Whatever the case, you need to know what your dealbreakers are and be honest about them before getting serious with someone.

So where does sexual chemistry fit into all of this? Is it a dealbreaker for you, or just a preference that isn’t that important for your long-term happiness?

I’ve seen many singles and couples over the past 20 years with different ideas on the importance of sexual chemistry. When I sit down with a couple I always like to get their “how we met” story, and ask them about their first impressions. Many will talk about feelings of lust, attraction, chemistry and excitement early on, while others start out as friends and grow into their passion.

The lesson here is that for some of you, sexual chemistry is a must have. While for others, it’s not nearly as important to their overall levels of relationship satisfaction.

If sexual chemistry rates highly on your list of dealbreakers, then you’ll need a partner to physically turn you on, be a great kisser, meet your needs in bed, have a similar sex drive, be affectionate and be prepared to experiment as much as you. You’ll see the physical side of your relationship as a cornerstone for intimacy and connection.

On the other hand, if sexual chemistry isn’t that important to you, then you’ll be much more focused on other aspects of your new partner to excite you (e.g. intellectual conversation, career ambition, healthy lifestyle, friendship circle and family involvement etc.)

The point to all of this is that you need to know what your dealbreakers are before you get involved – and then choose someone with similar ideals. If passion and sex is vital for your relationship happiness, and you’re dating someone who doesn’t turn you on – then it’s not going to work and you need to move on. However if you’re not that fussed about chemistry (and they don’t rate it very highly either), then you should push forward and see where it takes you.


John Aiken








John Aiken, Findsomeone’s dating and relationship expert, as seen on the hit TV 3 show Married At First Sight. He is a best selling author, appears regularly on TV, radio and in magazines, is a clinical psychologist and runs a private practice in Sydney, is a sought after speaker, and offers intensive couples retreats. (