The signs of a negative dating mindset – and how to change it

The signs of a negative dating mindset – and how to change it

Posted by John Aiken, 29 September 2015: Whenever I get asked what the biggest obstacle is for singles out there looking to find love, I always come back to one thing. Having a negative dating mindset. It doesn’t matter where you go, what you wear, who you’re with, or how much effort you put in – if you’ve got a negative attitude then you ‘re simply not in the game. It is by far the most important aspect to successful dating and one of the hardest to master. Particularly if you’ve had some setbacks and disappointments, and you’re feeling pressure from family and friends to settle down.

There are many tell tale signs that you’ve got a negative dating mindset – here are ten common ones:

– Complain constantly about dating

– Think you’re bad at relationships

– Talk negatively about yourself in public

– Dwell on past relationship break-ups

– Quote stats about how difficult it is to meet anyone

– Think you’re too old

– Being pessimistic about the future

– Become very upset when you’re asked “why are you still single?”

– Consider being single as a failure

– Focusing on your weaknesses

If you’re single and struggling with a number of these negative signs then it’s time to make some dramatic changes. You simply cannot attract someone good into your life if you’re sending out a negative vibe.

Like attracts like.

So take action today and commit to making these changes to create an upbeat dating attitude;

1) Speak Positively about yourself in public

From now on, whenever you speak about yourself and your love life to others it must only be in the positive (E.g. ‘Why are you still single?’ “I’m waiting to be inspired.”). No more self-criticism, hopelessness or disappointment. You are a beacon of hope and you’re going to show strength and optimism at all times to anybody who asks.

2) Focus on your strengths

Turn on to your strengths rather than focus on your weaknesses. Answer the following question “Why am I so good at relationships?” Then remind yourself on a daily basis of all the amazing qualities you bring to the table and focus on these. If this is difficult for you to do – ask a friend about your great qualities.

3) Accept compliments

One of the most powerful ways to maintain a positive mindset is to make a point of turning onto the good. This means that you force yourself to accept any compliment that comes in your direction with a simple “thankyou.” No downplaying or deflecting praise – simply look the person in the eye and embrace it. This will do your headspace the world of good.

4) Know your ideal partner

Get clear on what type of person you want to attract into your life. Think about your past relationship break-ups and ask yourself “What do I want different in my next partner?” Then make a list of your top 5 traits and focus on going after this type of person. Also, visualize being with this person, meeting their friends and falling in love. Flood your mind with positivity.

5) Reframe dating setbacks

Whenever you have a negative dating experience you have to force yourself to remain objective about what happened. Rather than blaming yourself and getting down about the experience, use these key questions to stay resilient and positive: “How can I look at this differently?, “What advice would I give me best friend if they were thinking this way?”,“What’s an alternative explanation?’.


John Aiken

John Aiken, Findsomeone’s dating and relationship expert, as seen on the hit TV 3 show Married At First Sight. He is a best selling author, appears regularly on TV, radio and in magazines, is a clinical psychologist and runs a private practice in Sydney, is a sought after speaker, and offers intensive couples retreats. (