Q. Hey John, I don’t seem successful at maintaining a relationship – men don’t seem that bothered and tend to walk away after a few weeks or months. I wonder if it’s that I don’t need ‘looking after’ or that I am too laid back – so they don’t have anything to fix for me? Have I shot myself in the foot by being capable in my own life?
A. Absolutely not! Being an independent and strong woman is a great state to be in. What this tells me is that the guys you’re going out with so far aren’t confident enough in themselves to cope with this. Rest assured – there will be plenty of confident men out there that will be turned on by your strength, so be patient and wait for this type of guy. Don’t change a thing!
Q. I’ve been out on two dates with a girl, arranged to have a third date, and she cancelled it. I have sent her a text asking if she wants to out again – a week later still no reply. Does this mean she’s not interested in going out with me?
A. Yep – she’s not interested in you. Let it go and stop chasing. When you start going out with someone it should be easy and there should be no mixed messages. In your case, it’s very difficult and her messages are all over the place. No problem – simply move on to someone who has a much more straight-forward approach to dating.
Q. I’m wondering if it’s off-putting that I have four children for prospective men. I am an independent, financially secure woman, and am not looking for a father figure for them. However, when conversation in the early stages verge into children territory, and I reveal how many children I have, I wonder how men view this?
A. The right man will love this. He’ll see you as being capable, independent, reliable and trustworthy. He’ll know that you’re a great mother and he’ll be excited about getting involved down the track with your family. The wrong guy on the hand will find it too much and won’t be able to commit. Nevermind, he’s not the one you want to be involved with. So be up front, honest and transparent about your kids when you meet someone – and this will sort out the good from the bad. There’s an ideal guy out there for you who loves the idea of family. Be patient.
Q. What would be a good ‘first message’ to a girl? In these kinds of situations, often the best thing I can think of to say first is ‘hi’. Quite a lot of girls find guys who are too forward to be repulsive – even starting off by getting into their interests yields no response.
A. Sounds good to me. Opening with “Hi” is natural and genuine. I agree, you want to avoid cheesy opening lines or coming across as being too wooden and over prepared. Simply say “hello” and then see where it takes you.
Q. Hey John I’m a naturally shy guy and find talking to girls quite tough. Especially striking up conversations – I end up running out of things to say and it becomes quite awkward. Any advice as to what to do will help.
A. This is very normal even for the most confident of people. Putting yourself out there and saying hello to a stranger is difficult. Make sure before you go out wear something you feel confident in, be there with friends who can support you, go up and say hi without using cheesy one liners, and ask the person questions about themselves. Perhaps have a couple of questions in mind that you can use to get things rolling – and run these by your friends for reassurance.
Q. Is it good to get to know someone from another town or country?
A. Sure. You should always try to spread your net wide and get out of your comfort zone. You never know who you’re going to fall in love with. It’s all about getting experience and learning what you want and what you don’t want in a relationship. Who knows, you may end up in a long-distance relationship that really works well for you? Jump in.
Q. I have been dating a guy for five weeks now – he calls every day and we have been seeing each other twice a week. I had removed my FSO profile weeks ago, however he still has his profile up and updated it yesterday. He tells me he is not actively looking. In my mind he is still keeping his options open. We have talked about it and he tells me he is scared. That’s not good enough for me and I’m ready to walk away. Is five weeks in a reasonable time to ask someone to remove profile and not date others?
A. Yep – he should have taken his profile down within a week if he’s really keen on you. It’s time to run the other way! When you meet new people they’ll usually tell you who they are. The question is, will you listen to them? In your case, you’re with a guy who doesn’t want commitment and is scared of intimacy. He’s telling you that he’s not serious and wants to meet someone else. I would strongly suggest you listen to him and cut him free. It will save you a lot of wasted time and heartache.
Q. I’m 51 years young and I don’t feel it. Most men I have met seem to be looking for younger women. I know age is but a number but I feel that the 60 year olds are too old for me! Also a lot of men I have met have a list of boxes to tick that seem a bit unrealistic to me (fit, slim, attractive, financially secure…). I’ve been single for 4 years and would dearly like to find someone – should I keep looking?
A. Yes absolutely hang on in there. Dating can be a long journey, and the key is being patient and selective. You know what you want and now it’s about putting yourself out there and waiting for the right fit. The other option is to give up on love altogether and that’s a very sad and lonely existence. Instead, get out of your comfort zone, meet as many different guys as you can, and keep believing. You have a lot to offer and you’re worth it!
Q. Hi John. What should I do about someone who says they’re interested in the future maybe, but just ‘want to see how it goes’ for now…?
A. Bad sign. They’re not giving you commitment and they’re telling you that they’re unsure about where this is headed. When you’re with someone you want to feel secure and optimistic. The person you’re with right now is making you feel scared, uncertain and insecure. So give them a deadline about making a commitment to you for the future, and then walk away if they can’t step up.
Q. Am I going to find the love of my life on here?
A. You have every chance of meeting your ideal partner on FindSomeone! Online dating is now one of the most effective and efficient ways of falling in love, and there are thousands of happy couples around the world that have met this way. FindSomeone is NZ’s largest, premium, online dating site, so this gives you a wonderful opportunity to meet so many like-minded singles who are all looking for the same thing. Get on board and start making contact now. It’s the way of the future.
John Aiken, Findsomeone’s dating and relationship expert, as seen on the hit TV 3 show Married At First Sight. He is a best-selling author, appears regularly on TV, radio and in magazines, runs a clinical psychology private practice in Sydney, is a sought after speaker, and offers intensive couples retreats. (www.johnaiken.com.au)